Journal.1
There is no escape from the ridiculousness of the world.
I walk around painfully aware of being grateful for the comfort and privilege of my life and of the intense fear/sadness/loneliness/dread. I am so lucky. I slept in today and made my breakfast in comfort. I have dear ones in my life who are nearby. The traumas I wrestle with I know I can overcome. I just don’t always know what to do with the mix of my emotions. And that is the point; that I’m not supposed to do something with my emotions all the time. It is not my JOB to have a purpose for every fleeting feeling. How exhausting just to think about it. I can just let my thoughts and feelings fly.
What is it they say? 70-80% of thoughts are negative and based on fears and insecurities built up over time due to consequences? They’re armor to protect us from life hurting. A full-time job can be had just pursuing the present moment. Asking, “Am I in fact okay, right now where I stand?”
There’s so much to be upset about and a lot to be grateful and joyful about. I can’t forget that there are a generous number of things that are neutral. For someone who feels like a rollercoaster of emotion, the idea of thoughts being neutral is novel.
I can belong wherever I am. I belong because I have me. Wherever my stuff is, is not where I belong. I can find what I need and have my back. It makes the connections with other people even sweeter, more delicious, and exceptional.
I have thought recently that those of us who are tenders can work to strike a balance between ritual and flexibility. Rituals are the grounding, the ‘back to one’ and Flexibility keeps me unstuck. Too much root and I can’t fly. I need air as well as soil. I know that can sound non-committal, but it doesn’t mean it isn’t true.
These days have taught me that the ground is always moving under our feet, whether we are walking, or not. Impermanence is the only permanence. I pledge to the changeable.